I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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