I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
