I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
My ATM looks so different sober.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
