Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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