Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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