I think i sorta joined a cult last night
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
