Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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