I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
