Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
