why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
