i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
