Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Randomize
