You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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