Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
