I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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