Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
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