Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
