I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Randomize
