His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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