I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Randomize
