things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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