You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
