I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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