guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
