watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
