No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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