I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
