I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Randomize
