My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Randomize
