Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Randomize
