i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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