i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
