he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
