I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Randomize
