doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
