i wish starbucks made bloody marys
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
