I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Randomize
