guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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