The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
