I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize