census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
