So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
being pregnant is like rehab
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
