can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
