my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
