Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
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