i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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