My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Randomize
