You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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