I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Randomize
