Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
