when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
