so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Randomize
