I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
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