Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
