Just fell off a train. Bad.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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