So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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