i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
