just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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