any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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